Afire Love - Autumn 2015

Autumn 2015

She rushes through the busy hallways of the hospital and ignores all the people around her. She arrives at the third floor of the hospital and walks past few rooms hurriedly before stopping right in front of a room numbered 304. Her heart was beating fast as she held out her shaky hand towards the knob. She pushes the door slowly and caught the sight of Mark, lying on the hospital bed with wires all over his body. His face looks pale, almost the same color like the hospital wall.

Mia flops helplessly onto the floor.

Jaebum who was sitting next to Mark quickly stand up and helps Mia back onto her feet. He walks Mia into the room and let her sit down onto the empty seat next to him. She quickly grip Mark’s hand and tears began to stream down her face.

“What… happened…?” Mia looks at Jaebum, waiting for his response. Jaebum let out a sigh.

“Jackson and I… We went to his apartment, to check on him… When we found him on the floor, unconscious… with pills scattered across the room and blood… dripping from his mouth and nose.” Jaebum closes his eyes, trying to chase away the horrible scene he had witnessed few hours ago.

“Oh God… Mark…”

“The doctor said that… he needs to stay here.”

“For how long?”

“I… don’t know. His condition is worsen, Mia.”

Mia slumps her face onto the mattress, next to Mark’s arm as those words of Jaebum went through her ears. She grips Mark’s hand tightly and cries in despair.  Her heart aches as she looks up and saw Mark’s pale face.

My beautiful Mark… What have he done to deserve all this? Why out of all people… Why him?

Her sobbings grow louder.

“Mia, calm down… He’s… he’s going to be alright.” Jaebum bit his lower lips as he tries to comfort her. Few minutes ago, he had said that Mark’s condition began to worsen and now he’s saying that he’s going to be alright. He doesn’t even know what he’s talking about.  Well, a white lie can be really useful at times like this—even though he knows that it doesn’t make any sense and will only lead to a bigger piece of mess. But someone needs to calm this girl down.

Mia raises her head up, glances at Jaebum for a few seconds and stares at Mark, deeply.

Yeah. He’s going to be alright. My Mark’s going to be alright… He will…

-----

She stares at the can of coke in her hand and slowly let out a sigh. She gradually lifts up her head and began to look around the hospital mini park. She’s alone at that time. Well, the weather was quite windy that day. Of course, no one wants to stay out in the open space. But she’s still there, didn’t budge even a bit and the wind definitely brings chills all the way through her spines and bones. Yet she’s still there.

She could really use some fresh air and also some time alone now, just to relax her mind a bit. That was what Jaebum told her 30 minutes ago and she does agree with it.

“Hi pretty. You’re alone?”

Mia quickly held up her head as a response to the sudden greeting. Jackson’s face came into view. He grins widely at her. Mia breathes out in relief. Jackson casually lands himself onto the bench next to Mia.

“What’s with the flirty tone?” Mia raises one of her eyebrow. Jackson laughs.

“Yah, I’ve always flirt with you. Didn’t I?”

Mia smiles a little. “Sorry, Jacks. I’m not in the mood.”

Jackson smirks and leans his back to the bench. He looks up to the blue sky. “Yeah, I know. Sorry.”

“So… How’s Mark?” Jackson takes a quick glance at Mia. She sighs, unintentionally.

“He’s fine, I guess. But he’s still unconscious.”

Jackson nods slowly.

“Thank you, for bringing Mark here.” She smiles warmly at Jackson, as a sign of gratitude. Jackson chuckles a bit.

“You’re most welcome, Mia. That’s the least we can do.”

Then, the silence took over the situation. Jackson peeks over to take a look at Mia. His heart breaks a little when he saw her swelling eyes and her red nose. She’s definitely crying all the time. Her cheeks slowly flushes into various shades of pink the moment the cool breeze of autumn blew past them. Jackson stares in awe.

She’s the most beautiful mess he had ever seen.

“Our life is… quite like a drama, right?” Mia suddenly broke the silence. Jackson raises his eyebrow. He patiently waits for Mia to continue her words.

“I never thought that, this kind of thing would happen in my life, our life. Until now, I can’t fully accept the fact that Mark’s suffering from this hideous disease. It feels like nightmares, you know. He’s a good kid. Why does he have to go through this? What have he done wrong? Why?” Her whole body starts to shake and tears fall from her eyes. Jackson instinctively took her into his embrace and calmly tries to soothe her. 

“I don’t want him to die.” Mia quietly says in between of her sobs. Her lips quiver terribly. Jackson quickly caught up what she was saying and gently strokes her arm. 

“None of us want that to happen, Mia.” Jackson bit his lower lips.

Yes, he definitely doesn’t want his best friend to die.

“I’m really a bad girlfriend, aren’t I? I can’t even help him. All I can do was look at him, lying hopelessly on that hospital bed. I’m such a jerk.”

“No, you’re not, okay? Please, don’t be like this, Mia. We have to be strong-- for Mark’s sake. Don’t blame yourself. All of this happened beyond our control. You can help him by praying that everything’s going to be okay. Just pray, and leave the rest to Him.” I hate to see you like this, Mia and I’m sure, Mark will hate it too.

Mia sniffles and wipes away her tears. She chuckles a bit though bitterly but still, made Jackson smiles.

“Be strong, girl. Okay?” He holds her hands tightly.

“I’ll try. Thank you, Jacks.”

“Hey, what friends are for?”

-----

She pushes the door quietly and slowly makes way into the room. She looks around before taking a seat beside Mark’s bed. Jaebum’s gone. Well, she’s the one who told him to go home and come back again tomorrow. He and Jackson have been very helpful by bringing Mark to the hospital. In return, she offers herself to accompany Mark tonight. Jaebum just agreed with it.

Mia silently grabs Mark’s hand and gently strokes it. Mark’s hand felt icy cold against her warm hand. Mia sighs. She drops her forehead down onto the mattress and tries to sleep but she knows she can’t.

There are lots of things going through her mind right now and she definitely can’t fall asleep in such a restless condition.

She quickly raises her head when she heard shuffling sound on the bed. Mark slowly opens his eyes and blinks a few times, trying to adjust his sight in the dim light. His looked at his hand that was stabbed with needles connecting to the IV drip and was confused with the whole situation but when he saw Mia, he suddenly felt relieved and slowly sparks a little smile.

“Hey…” He pats Mia’s head gently. She still stares at him in surprise.

“How long have I been unconscious?”

“For like, 12 hours… I thought that… you would never wake up again…”

Mark chuckles weakly and brushes his index finger against Mia’s soft cheeks. “Silly girl… Of course I’ll wake up. It’s not my time to die, yet. See, I’m alright. You’ll still be able to see this beautiful face of mine so, no worries.” He smiles. Mia bit her lower lips and suddenly burst into tears. Mark’s eyes widen as her sobbing grows louder. 

“Come here…” Mark quickly rise himself from the bed and took Mia into his embrace. Mia buries her face into Mark’s neck and cries her heart out. Mark hushes and gently soothes her back.

“Why are you crying…?”

“I… I…” Her words were stuck between her throats. She kept on crying until her heart finally feels at ease. The tight hug broke and Mark softly wipes away her tears.

“Yah, you’re the one who should be comforting me. I’m the one who is sick here, not you.” He looks at her and smiles teasingly. Mia pouts and gave Mark a slap on his shoulder. He let out a weak, slow laugh and again, took her into his arm.

“I was worried sick… You have no idea how fretful I was when I first received the call from Jaebum. You nearly got me a heart attack. Please, don’t do this again to me…”

“I know. I’m sorry…”

They are still in each other’s arms, but this time, the hug last longer. Mia circles her arm around Mark’s waist and their hugs tighten. Mark’s smile still didn’t fade away and he kept on caressing Mia’s soft hair. His body condition is still weak and of course, he’s feeling exhausted as hell. The agony he feels every time he tries to breathe the air out of his lungs was no joke but with Mia by his sides, he constantly forgets about all the pain he’s suffering from.

“You remember that one song, the one that we always play in the car every time we went out for a night drive? The one that instantly becomes our favorite when we heard it for the first time?” Mark suddenly asks, randomly. Mia looks up at him and scrunches her eyebrows.

“And… which one is that? You do know we have tons of songs in the playlist, right?”

“I know but this one is the iconic one; Afire Love by Ed Sheeran.”

A tiny smile spread across her face the moment Mark mentioned it. She slowly nods her head. “Afire Love… Yes, that song.  What about it?”

“What about it? Hmm, it’s nothing actually. It just… it kinda suddenly pops up into my mind.”

“You and your random talk, Mark Tuan…”

But it’s okay, that’s literally your charm and I have nothing against it…

“Darlin'… hold me in your arms… the way you did… last night… and we'll die inside for… a little while here oh…”

Once again, Mia lifts her head and looks at Mark who was already staring at her. Their gaze met and she started to feel butterfly in her stomach. It’s been a while since she last felt this kind of feeling.

Mark continues to sing with Mia safe in his arm. His throats taste like mixture of phlegm and acid juices but that doesn’t stop him from singing. “I could look into your eyes… until the sun… comes up… and we're wrapped in light… and life and love…”

“Mark dear, sorry for interrupting your lovely serenade but I think, you should stop. You’re out of breath.” She shots a concern look to Mark as he coughs hardly for a few times. Mark just laughs it off.

“Yeah, I know but Mia… holds still.”

She was about to ask him why when suddenly Mark lean towards her and carefully plants a soft kiss onto her lips. It feels like a jolt of electricity running through her skin as their lips touched and their fingers intertwined. It only lasted for a split second but it definitely feels like forever. The kiss broke and they now are facing each other.

“What… Why…” She’s lost for words.

“I’m just taking chances because who knows, that would be our last…” His eyes glisten in the dark and Mia can actually see the pain he’s hiding through it. He’s going through one hell of an agony right now and still, he managed to smile. He keeps on saying he’s okay when actually he’s not.

Tears started to stream down her face again.

“No, Mark. This won’t be the last. I will never, ever… let that happened.” With that, she moves one inch closer to him so their lips could touch, again. This time, the kiss last longer. It taste like mixture of tears, peppermint and also blood, but still it feels good.

“I hope we can stay like this, forever…”

“And, we will…”

Put your open lips on mine

And slowly let them shut

For they're designed to be together oh

With your body next to mine

Our hearts will beat as one

And we set alight

We're afire love

Afire Love - Summer 2015

Summer 2015

“Hyung, how about we bring Mark hyung to the beach? He could use some fresh air.” Yugyeom beam a big grin on his face while waiting for Jinyoung’s response.

Bambam nods his head, agreeing with Yugyeom’s brilliant suggestion. “Don’t forget the sand. He could really use some of that too.”

Jinyoung looks at Yugyeom and Bambam, back and forth. He shakes his head slowly. “I don’t think that’s a great idea. You guys know that Mark’s condition isn’t that good and staying under the sun could make him feel more exhausted and can cause him to collapse and all, right?”

“But hyung, this is summer. Summer is all about the sun, beach and ice creams. Letting him to lock himself at the apartment is also not a good idea.”  Yugyeom starts to pout. Youngjae who was in the kitchen just now moves to the living room and joins the conversation.

“Yes, hyung. Yug’s right. I don’t see any harm bringing Mark hyung to the beach. It’s not like we’re staying there forever. Besides, we should spread him some positive vibes and encourage him to do things like normal people do. I’m not saying that he’s not normal. You know what I mean right?”

Jinyoung slowly nods his head and turns his whole body to face Jaebum who was sitting at the coffee table. Jaebum smiles and gave Jinyoung the ‘the-boys-were-right’ look. Again, Jinyoung nods and turns to the three maknaes who were staring at him with anticipation. He let out a small sighs and smile.

“Then to the beach it is.”

-----

“Now, tell me again why you can’t come along.” Mark sits on his bed and cross both of his arm while staring at his girlfriend who was busy packing his stuff inside a bag pack. Mia giggles as she saw Mark pouting his lips. She walks and sits right beside him.

“I have something to do at the café. Aunt Jess asked me to help her today. You do know that I can’t say no to her right?”

“I know but that literally means you’re saying no to me.”

Again, she laughs as she heard Mark’s response. Mia pinches Mark’s cheeks and he let out a small ‘aww’. Mark rubs his sore flesh and continues to pout.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I’ll go with you next time, I promise.”

“Only if I ever be able to meet summer again.” The words that come from Mark’s mouth are almost inaudible but Mia can still hear it. It definitely gives a pang in her heart. She quickly slips her hand into Mark’s and hold it tightly while looking at him with eyes full of love and hope. He tries to avoid her gaze and swallow his saliva hard.

“You will, Mark. Don’t lose hope, okay?” With that, she gently pats his head and swiftly rises from her seat and went back to pack Mark’s stuff. Her tears were on the edge of falling and she doesn’t want Mark to see it. She can’t be weak in front of him. She shouldn’t.

She felt sudden warmth on her back and realizes that it was Mark, giving her a back hug. She pulls a tiny smile on her face as she hears Mark murmurs the word sorry. Mia taps Mark’s arm in response. The hug broke and they start to face each other. Mark slowly brush off Mia’s hair from her forehead and slips it to the back of her ears. He leaves a small peck on her forehead. His fingers softly shed tiny tears at the corner of her gorgeous eyes and spark an apologetic smile.

“Don’t cry, please.”

Mia shakes her head and gave Mark a warm smile.

They suddenly here a knock on the door and it open widely from the outside. Yugyeom’s and Bambam’s faces come into view. They grin playfully to both Mark and Mia. 

“Looks like your chauffeurs have come to pick you up.” Mia laughs. Mark laughs too. He hugs her for one last time and grabs the back pack on top of his drawer and moves towards YugBam. She walks them to the front door wave them goodbye.

“Text me when you reach the beach, okay? Have fun!”

‘’Okay. Take care. Love you!”

Love you too, Mark Tuan…

-----

It felt like ages since he last stepped out from his soulless apartment and being under the scorching summer sun brings him to life again. The refreshing summer breeze sweeps across his face, giving him sudden warmth that he has been longing for. The sound of waves crushing the shore, people chattering non-stop and seagulls flying above him are music to his hears. He can’t help but smiling.

All seven of them left their belongings at one spot and quickly ran towards the sea.

Mark looks at his friends who were having so much fun pushing and splashing water at each other’s faces. Jackson and Bambam both lift Yugyeom up and spontaneously drop him dead onto the sea floor. Yugyeom quickly stand up and pushes them heartlessly as revenge. The three of them laugh their heart out. Jaebum and Jinyoung on the other hand kept on digging some sands and put it into Youngjae’s shirt, just to annoy him. Youngjae swiftly make his way out of the sea and ran for his life while shouting to the top of his lungs when Jaebum chases after him. Five of them cracked up to see such a hilarious scenario. Mark slowly shakes his head with a little smile still hanging onto his lips.

They are still a bunch of dorky kids.

Jinyoung comes towards Mark and hang his arm onto Mark’s shoulders. “It’s been a while since I saw that smile of yours.”

Mark looks at Jinyoung and grins widely. “Well, thanks to you guys.”

“You know what, Mark?”

“What?”

“You could really use some water.” With that, Jinyoung pushes Mark right into the sea and call the others to gang up with him and splash Mark with water till he is all wet.

All of them kept on laughing and playing happily, without worrying about anything because all of them had sworn-- they’ll cherish this trip. They want to remember today. They want to remember this summer. They want to remember every single thing they did together.

They want to remember them, especially Mark.

-----

All seven of them sit on the white sandy beach, circling the campfire they have made just now. They were going to head back to the town actually this evening when suddenly all of them come up with the idea of staying the night camping by the seaside. Of course, it was a last minute plan and they certainly didn’t bring along any camping equipment such as tents and stuff but with all seven of them being together in one place, it is just more than enough.

“Soooo, what should we do now?” Jackson’s voice broke the silence.

Yugyeom enthusiastically stand up and grins widely. “How about we play Yaja Time? I’ve been waiting for years to play that game!”

“No we don’t want to play that. Sit down, Kim Yugyeom!” Jaebum pulls Yugyeom’s short and make him sit back to his place.

“Boooo, rejected. Okay, next suggestion please.” The usual hyena laugh of Jackson fills up the whole atmosphere and it made the others laugh as well.

Youngjae raises his right hand and smiles. “How about… the game of truth or dare? I saw in the dramas, they always play that game when they were having campfire and stuffs.”

“You and your kdramas, Youngjae.” Jinyoung shakes his head slowly chuckles.

“Alright, call!” All of them agree in unison.

“So, he wants to start first?”

“Me! Me! Pick me!” Jackson replies excitedly to Bambam’s question.

“Okay, Jackson hyung. Truth or dare?”

All eyes are on Jackson now. Jackson smirks as he confidently shouted dare.

“Okay, Jacks. Listen. Run towards the seashore, spin for like ten times and shout the name of the person that you like or you’re having a crush on or whatever but not one of our names. If you can’t to do, then you’ll be rewarded with a nasty flick on your precious forehead. Got it?” Wide grin forms on Jaebum’s handsome face. Jackson pauses for a while and scans everyone faces before he starts to smirk.

“Piece of cake!” With that, he quickly run across the beach and spins around. Jackson tries to steady himself and yells ‘my mom’ loudly. He comes back to them and all of them laugh.

“You, come here.” Jaebum locks Jackson’s head and gave him a nice flick. Jackson shrieks in pain and it made all of them to crack up again.

“Yah, what’s with the flick? I did the mission!”

“You’re not doing it properly, Jacks. That is why you deserve a punishment. Your mission is to shout your crush’s name not ‘my mom’.” Jaebum replies sarcastically.

“I don’t have one so why should I?” Jackson smiles bitterly and settles down back to his place, right next to Bambam. Everyone started to become quiet and seems to agree with Jackson’s answer and they continue with the game. Various missions of dare have been done and several confessions of truth have been heard. All of them were really having fun with this game as they could see another side of them that they have never seen before.

Time flies by and it was already the last person’s turn which is Mark’s.

“I pick truth.” Mark smiles.

“I want to ask!” Youngjae raises his hand again. Mark nods his head.

“How does it feel when… you first knew about your health condition and also the cancer thingy? I’m kinda… curious…” Youngjae bit his lower lips.

“Choi Youngjae!” Jinyoung stood up but Mark quickly pulls him back and taps his thigh. He smiles gently at Jinyoung and nods his head few times. Jinyoung let out a small sigh.

“You don’t have to answer it hyung. I’m sorry. Let’s change…”

“No, it’s okay!” Mark cut off Youngjae’s words. He gives each one of them a look and continues to smile.

“Actually, I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately and I think, it’s better to tell you guys how I really feel. Well, you guys are my bros and I should open up to you guys. I shouldn’t shut you guys off because I know…it certainly didn’t bring any good to me or to any of us. I know, I don’t talk much but there are no harms to me for opening up and being honest, right?”

All six of them give each other a glance and look back at Mark. The silence grows louder.

“You guys do know that…” Mark stops and swallows his saliva hard. He smiles bitterly and continues with his words. “That I don’t have much time left, right?”

“Hyung…” Yugyeom and Bambam softly call Mark. Again, Mark gave both of the maknaes a look. The smile on his face was still there, still didn’t fade away.

“It’s the truth, Yugyeom… Bambam… Well, everyone will die. It’s only a matter of time but, I guess my name is first on the list among you guys… ha… haha…”

Huh so much for laughing, Mark Tuan.  

“So, back to Youngjae’s question; frankly, when I first knew about this whole thing, I felt like I want to die on that very day. What’s the use of leading this life when you know that you’re going to die soon. But somehow, I have managed to pull myself together and didn’t do anything stupid, yet. It’s a major lie if I tell you guys that I’m fine with this kind of fate. I still can’t accept all of this. I feel like giving up most of the time, really… But then again, I remembered, I have you guys. I have Mia. You guys are the sole reason why I am still fighting this disease because obviously, I only have you guys. You’re my life…”

“And sometimes, I kinda felt grateful as well for being the ‘chosen one’ to have this disease. At least, it makes me to appreciate life more. It opens my eyes to see that there are still people who care for me and I am thankful for that, really.”

Mark knows, his words are beyond cheesy but the truth is, that is how he genuinely feels. He looks up and saw the maknae line was already deep into tears. Jaebum runs his finger through his hair while sighing heavily. Jackson sniffles a bit and turns his gaze away, silently hiding his tears. Jinyoung, who was sitting beside Mark, kept on patting his back softly and grip Mark’s hand tightly.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to ruin the happy mood we’re having just now. I’m sorry…” Mark bit his lips as he tries hard to hold back the tears from falling. No, he can’t cry. Not in front of his friends, at least.

Bambam suddenly stand up, walks towards Mark and spontaneously hugs him, followed by Yugyeom and Youngjae. “Please, don’t leave us hyung.”

The three Js also join the group hug. Their embrace tightens.

Mark froze in time and tiny tears suddenly rolls down his cheeks. His body is full with warmth, thanks to the hug given by his buddies. He looks up to the tiny stars that decorate the dark blue sky with its bright twinkling lights. Mark smiles.

The dark blue sky is him and those tiny stars are his friends.

They are the one who lit up his gloomy life and are always there for him. They are the stars of his life. They are his precious bros. No matter how many times he pushes them away, they are inseparable. Just like the dark night and the stars.

“I love you punks, badly…” And his tears fall again.

“Don’t leave us hyung…”

“No, I won’t.”

“Promise us.”

“I promise…”

God, please give me some more time. I beg…

Afire Love - Spring 2015

Spring 2015

He looks outside the half-opened window, watching the trees sway as the wind blew past through it. He senses the freshening smell of morning dew, combined with the fragrance of the blooming flowers. The mighty sun was shining brightly, radiating its warmth to all over the city. Small trace of smile spread across his face as he looks up to the sky that was painted with soft shades of blue. The scenery is absolutely beautiful.

It was spring, after all.

A flock of birds fly past his window across the open sky freely, as if they have never been burden with any problems throughout their lives. Slight feeling of envy seeps into his heart. He wants to be like those birds, enjoying life without having to think about the death that’s coming after him.

Everyone will die, sooner or later. That’s the bitter truth that every soul on this Earth will have to go through. But he doesn’t want to die. Not now, at least. There are a lot of things that he wanted to achieve in life and he’s only 23.

He wanted to graduate from engineering school with flying colors, have a job and become one of the most successful persons in the world.  He wanted to have his own small but happy family with his better half. But he certainly can’t reach those things if he has to die early.

A heavy sigh escapes from his mouth and he lay back, trying to relax himself on the couch. He stares blankly at the white ceiling right above him. Faces of the people that played an important role in his life suddenly come in view. He can see clearly all of their smiles, their laughter, and all the memories that they went through together — it’s beautiful but also painful at the same time.

He closes his eyes and tiny drops of crystal clear tears run down his cheeks.

He’s not ready yet to leave them. He’s not ready yet to leave the boys. He’s not ready yet to leave her.

He’s not ready and will never be.

-----

The atmosphere at the hospital was calm and less hectic than usual but the smell of medicines still disturb him despite of coming here for so many time, thus it doesn’t quite help him in easing the nervousness he felt deep down inside.

Mark begins to feel all dizzy and he stops in track. His chest starts to rise up and down because of the rapid breathing he’s having. Tiny beads of sweats slowly form on his forehead. He needs to go the bathroom ASAP.

Both Jinyoung and Jaebum who were in front of Mark stop walking as they sense that Mark isn’t following them anymore. They turn their back and watches Mark who was already bending his body, placing both of his palms onto his knees. They absolutely can hear Mark’s heavy breathing. Both of them hurriedly stand besides Mark.

“I can’t do this anymore…” Mark flops down to the floor. Jaebum grabs Mark’s right arm and put it around his neck. Jinyoung does the same for the left arm and they both pull Mark up and walk him towards the nearest bench. Mark sits down and lean his back. He closes his eyes shut, trying to chase away the dizziness and nausea that began to strike him.

“Mark, don’t give up. This medication will help you. It’s only a matter of time.”

Mark opens his eyes as those words of Jaebum make way through his ears. He automatically laughs at it in a sarcastic way. So much for a motivation…

“Really Jaebum, like really?”

Jaebum bit his lower lips and his slowly clenches a fist. His throat becomes a bit dry and Mark’s ironic laugh certainly starts to bug him. “I’m serious, dude. Giving up won’t kill away those nasty cancerous cells that you have no idea, replicates in your body in a rapid rate day by day! If you think that we’re doing this for fun, then you are wrong. This is not a joke, Mark Tuan.” Tears started to pool in his eyes.

Please don’t give up Mark because we’re definitely not giving up on you, please…

Jinyoung gently pats Jaebum’s back and tries to back him off from Mark a bit. He looks at Mark and Jaebum, back and forth. He let out a sigh. These two better not make a scene here.

“Mark, Jaebum is right. Please, don’t give up. We have come this far. You have to continue doing all those chemos. It will help you.” Jinyoung swallow his saliva hard. He felt like his words doesn’t sound quite assuring but it is better to just say anything than being stone cold.

What else can he say?

Mark suddenly stands up and stares at both of his best friends. His lips tremble and his whole body is shaking. “Try placing yourselves in my situation and you’ll know how hard it is to go through all of this. You guys literally have no idea how it feels to swallow all those disgusting drugs that sometimes paralyzes yourself and forbid you from doing anything you want. You guys don’t know how awful it is to have needles being pricked and stabbed through your skin and vein and you guys seriously have no idea how sickening is the aftermath of having all those stuff…”

“Going through chemos isn’t as easy as it sounds and it really, definitely sucks.” Mark bit his lips hard.

“And you are wrong, Jaebum. This is a joke. No, actually, my whole life is a joke and there is nothing you can do about it.” With that, tears starts to fall and he weeps in despair. Jinyoung wraps his arms around him tightly and he too, cries.

Jaebum runs his fingers through his hair and slumps down onto the bench. He secretly prays that this whole crappy thing will end soon and that his best friend won’t have to suffer all of this.

He prays that they can lead their life just like how it used to be; normally, peacefully without any pain.

-----

He spends most of the time indoors.

After knowing that he is currently having this cancer, Mark slowly shuts himself from the outer world. At the early stages of the disease, he still went to college and attends classes. But when his lecturers know about it, they told him to just rest at home and focus on his treatments and medications. They told him to come back when everything is finally okay and they will certainly accept him with open arms and hearts.

But the truth is, he will never be okay. The possibility of having this disease cured is low, he knows. Everyone know, even the doctors. They kept saying that he’s going to be okay when really, it is just a lie and it is only a courtesy of the doctors to say to their patients. He knows he can’t be healed. Unless his fairy god mother suddenly pop in front of him out of nowhere and used her magic on him to chase the cancer away.

If only he had one but fairy god mothers absolutely do not exist so yeah.

After the incidence at the hospital few days ago, he decided to go back the very next day it happened, to have his chemotherapy done. He apologized to Jaebum and Jinyoung for being such a jerk. He knew that his friends meant well but with his condition right now, he’s easily being influenced by his emotion and heart rather than his brain and rational thinking. Luckily, his friends understood him enough and kept on supporting him.

He kept looking out at the window when he suddenly hears clanking sounds of keys outside of his house. The front door opens and Jackson and Mia come in view. Both of them walk towards him and he sparks them a small smile. Jackson slumps himself on the couch besides Mark and spontaneously hug him.

“Markkkkkkk~ I miss you~ don’t you miss me?” Jackson keeps on snuggling him. Both Mark and Mia let out a big laugh.

“Stop cuddling me and no I don’t miss you. Go away Jacks.”

Jackson’s hyena laugh fills up the whole room. He let go of Mark and give him a big whack on his back. Mark screams in pain. Jackson laughs again.

“Here, today’s lecture notes. I made a copy for you.” Like always…

Mark reaches for the notes in Jackson’s hand and looks at him and a sincere smile forms on his face. “Thank you, Jacks.” I’m truly grateful, like really…

He grins and pats Mark’s head softly. “No biggie, bro.”

-----

Jackson and Mia decided to stay the night at Mark’s place. They watched all kinds of movie they can find in Mark’s dvds collection and ordered two large pepperoni pizzas (‘cause one box isn’t enough for them especially Jackson) along with cokes. They talked for hours and ended up sleeping on the carpet in front of the TV.

Around 3 am, Mark woke up (thanks to Jackson’s loud snoring). He’s been sleeping with his back leaning onto the couch, no wonder his back ached so much. Mark stretches himself a bit and shifts himself slowly in order to not wake Mia up who was sleeping on his lap.

The moon glowed dimly that night, a cream disc suspended in the velvet sky. A sliver of moonlight spills into the room and starts to dance in the dark. Mark stares down at Mia. The innocence showed on her sleeping face, the peaceful and serene dreams blocking out the dangers of the outside. The soft breathing of her makes the world seems to stand still. Mark froze in time.

He runs his finger through her silky brunette colored hair. He observes how the shimmering moonlight illuminates her face and how shadows are casted underneath her long eyelashes. Mark continues to stare in awe. She’s so beautiful and never fails to make Mark fall for her.

God, I’m in love with her.

All of a sudden, Mia moves a bit and blinks her eyes few times that are still hung with sleepiness. She caught Mark’s deeply staring at her and she quickly straightens up her body.

“Hey, what’s wrong? You’re okay?” Mia holds Mark’s hand and starts to check on him if there is anything wrong. Her expression clearly reveals the worriedness she feels. Mark chuckles a bit and smile.

“No, no I’m alright. Everything’s okay.”

Mia scrunches her eyebrows together. “Sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

She smiles in relief. Thank God…

She puts her head back onto Mark’s lap. They both stare at each and were star-struck at how their eyes glisten when the light reflects on it in the dark-- such a breathtaking view. Mark instantaneously sparks a big smile on his face and leans towards her. He whispers a soft ‘I love you’ and it made her cheeks start to flush with various shades of pink. No matter how many times he utters those three magic words, it never fails to make her heart flutters.

“I love you, too.”

The smile on their face began to gleam along with the moonlight. Mark leans down again and drops a small kiss on her forehead. “Sleep.”

Again, her cheeks flush and her smile widens.

“You too. Goodnight” Mia slowly shuts her eyes and began to doze off. Mark gave her one last kiss before letting himself to sleep.

I wish that this moment won’t go away and time would forever stand still. Your head on my lap, our fingers intertwined and smiles that never fade from our faces — just like this. Perfect.

Afire Love - Winter 2014/15

Winter 2014/15

“Let’s break up.”

She just stared at the guy, who was right in front of her in disbelief.  She blinks her eyes few times; bit her lower lips, trying to comprehend the three words that the guy spurts out just now without any hesitation. The guy slowly turns away his gaze from her, watching the white pure snow slowly falling from the sky. If only the snow can ease down the nervousness that was crawling down his spines from the start. He slowly let out a sigh.

He’s doing this for a reason.

“What?” There were thousands of words and questions she wants to say and ask but only that typical ‘what’ came out from her mouth. Mia’s lips slowly started to tremble as she was trying hard to keep those precious tears of her from falling.

“You heard me. Let’s break up.” Mark repeats but this time, those words sounds a lot more cold and cruel. Mia can’t hold it any longer. Tiny drops of crystal clear tears run down her cheek along with the snow that kept on falling non-stop from sky.

“I don’t understand. Why are you…? What did I do?”

“You don’t have to understand. It’s better this way. Stop asking me why, stop seeing me and…”

His throat tastes like mixture of acid juices and sand. It’s painful and he needs to end this quickly. Mark held up his head for once, and looks Mia straight into her swelling and red eyes. He felt a pang in his tiny heart the moment his saw those dim lit eyes which once twinkled brightly as if all the stars that exist in this world were in there. God…

“… Forget everything about us.” With that, he hurriedly turns his back and walk away from her.

Mia just stood there frozen, watching Mark slowly fading away from her view. She doesn’t have the slightest idea why all of this happened.

It doesn’t make any senses.

-----

She laid her back to the seat while staring out of the window, watching the snowfall that slowly quilting the whole city with its pure whiteness. Everything at the outside seems so magical and looks like a scene from the fairytale but Mia doesn’t feel excited at all.

Out of all the seasons that exist in this world, she likes the winter most. But somehow, the magic of winter this year doesn’t really reach her. Maybe, just maybe, this year she’s already out of luck. No more enchanting December for her.

Mia turn her head towards the door as the doorbell rang, indicating that someone has entered the café. She smiles in relief as she sees the long awaited person walks towards her with a big grin on his face. Jinyoung swiftly places himself on the empty seat in front of her.

“I am so sorry. I was about to come here after I got your text but suddenly my professor asked me to stay back for a while regarding the new research we need to do and…”

She chuckles a bit and quickly cut off Jinyoung’s words. “It’s okay, Jinyoung. Chill.”

Jinyoung sparks an apologetic smile. He is truly sorry.

After ordering a cup of hot coffee, he stares at the girl in front of her. Jinyoung raises his eyebrow. Mia kept on looking out of the window. Her gaze is uncertain. She seems like she didn’t have enough sleeps for a few days and it’s quite strange seeing her in this condition. He can really tell that something is definitely bothering his best friend.

“Mia…”

Mia slowly turns her head from the window to Jinyoung who is wearing a warm smile on his face. Heavy sighs finally escape from her mouth but the tightness she felt in her chest still didn’t go away.

“You know that you can always tell me whatever problems you’re facing, right?” He smiles again.

She nods her head and kept on staring the table. She tries to calm herself down but she knows she can’t. Her tears are on the edge of falling as she utters out a single word with her shaky voice.

“Mark…”

The moment he heard that, Jinyoung’s warm smile disappears and he frowns his face a bit. He can already predict what Mia going to say next and he definitely didn’t like what has been circulating in his thought.

“He told me to break up with him.”

His prediction was right.

Jinyoung sighs and lean his back while running his fingers through his hair. Cloud of frustration slowly floats above him. God, Mark… Does he really need to go this far?

Mia stares at Jinyoung as his expression started to tense up. Series of question began to flood her mind and she is ready to shoot all of them to Jinyoung. He surely knew something about this.

“Jinyoung, I know you knew something. I can tell it from your face. Please tell me what is actually happening. Telling me lies in order to cover up Mark’s mistake won’t really solve anything. I need to know the truth.” She bit her lower lips but the trembling still won’t go away. Jinyoung soften his gaze and stares at Mia. How can he tell the truth when he knew that it will crush the girl’s heart? He didn’t want to add the pain to a girl who was already broken.

“Please, tell me…” She really needs to know the truth or at least some explanations. She can handle it if all of this happened because of her mistakes but really, she can’t recall doing any of it. Further enlightenment regarding this whole thing would definitely help her to settle this matter with Mark.

He sighs. “He’s doing this for a reason, Mia and for the sake of both of you.” No, not really…

“And I need to know those reasons. He left me hanging, Jinyoung. If he really wants to break up with me, he should at least explain to me why.” Yes, why…

He didn’t know what to say. Half of him wants to spill the truth but other half of him kept on saying no. You already promised to Mark you won’t say a single word to Mia, Jinyoung. He wanted her to know nothing about the reasons behind all of this.

Mia keeps on shooting him with all sorts of questions. It was suffocating, to held things in when you really want to scream it out loud. Jinyoung positively didn’t like being in a difficult situation like this. Well, who does?

Why does Mia choose to talk to him about this out of all people? Oh wait; he is her and Mark’s best friend which is why. He closes his eyes and suddenly spurts out the word he wasn’t supposed to say. Mia stops talking and stares deeply at him. Her face obviously expresses the state of being in shock.

Good job, Jinyoung.

“He’s… what?” Tiny drop of tears continues to fall.

There’s no use to hide anymore. Yes, she deserves to know the truth.

“Mark is sick.” I’m sorry, Mark. I couldn’t keep my promise.

“What kind of sick?” Please tell me it was only a slight fever, nothing serious and Mark is actually pulling a prank on me about the breakup thingy.

“Lung cancer.”

That 2 words answer from Jinyoung is already enough for Mia to feel like the whole world is collapsing on her right now. No, no this is all lie.  She needs to see Mark, she needs to hear it from Mark himself then she’ll believe it. Mia hurriedly rises from her seat and walks towards the front door of the café.

“Where are you going?” Jinyoung pulls and stops her in track. Mia faces him with tears still running down her cheeks and sobs that slowly coming out from her mouth.

“I need to see Mark.” I really do…

“Mia, look… I think it’s better for you to…”

“To what? Accept everything that’s happening now with open heart and leave him alone just like he asked me to do? No, Jinyoung I won’t. I won’t stand still even just a minute. He’s my boyfriend and he needs me regardless of how he’s actually shoving me away right now but really I know, he needs me as much as I need him. So please, don’t forbid me from seeing him. I’ll tell him not to be angry with you for exposing this most top secret between you guys. I promise.”

Jinyoung let go of Mia’s wrist and sighs in despair. He tries to spark a small smile. “Okay. If anything happens, just call me alright? I promise I’ll be there faster than the speed of light.”

Mia let out a small almost inaudible giggle despite of the river of tears on her face. She wipes the tears away and smiles to Jinyoung.

“I know you will. Thank you, Jinyoung.”

-----

She stares at the door while holding out her shaking hands towards the knob. She pauses for a while and started to rethink her decision of coming here, to Mark’s apartment. Well, she needs to solve this for good and backing away is not really the best solution. Brace yourself, girl…

She knocks the door a few times and waited it to be open patiently. After a complete 30 seconds of silence, she finally hears shuffling sound of footsteps walking towards the door. The door opens widely and there stood a familiar face, the love of her life that she hasn’t seen in a few days. Mark’s face quickly turns to grey as soon as he saw Mia standing in front of his doorstep. He saw those swelling eyes of hers. She looked quite messed up but still able to pull a pretty smile across her face that he had fallen with years ago.

She let out a small ‘hi’ while staring at Mark’s face. She maintains her smiley face but really, the moment she saw Mark, her heart began to shatter into tiny pieces and turns into ashes. Her feelings right now are indescribable. He looks pale and dark circles formed underneath his beautiful pair of eyes. She suddenly notices that he looks skinnier than ever and his face certainly shows off the fatigue he’s having. Again, her tears fall.

God, he really wants to hug Mia tightly, shed away those tears that he had cause it to fall and whispers to her that everything is okay and forget about what he had said but he just stood there, watching the clear streams that runs across her face. He felt a heavy throbbing in his head and the senses of nausea started to rise. Please, not here… not now…

“What do you want?”

Mia looks up, meeting her gaze with Mark. She tries to chew hard those cold four words that came out from Mark’s mouth. Pull yourself together, Mia. This matter has to be settle once and for all.

“I think, we need to talk, Mark. I know there’s something wrong and you didn’t actually meant what you’ve said to me. So, let’s talk about this and…”

“I mean it, Mia. Really mean it. There’s no use of talking about it and I’m not regretting it even the slightest bit. I’m not taking back what I’ve said” Liar…

“But, Mark…”

“GO AWAY, MIA! I DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE! GOD, IS IT REALLY HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!” He didn’t even know why he’s screaming right now. All he knows that he wants to get back inside, hide under the blanket for hundred years and rot himself to die. His chest started to feel pain and before he could control his breathing, he let out a loud cough. Mark covers his mouth and he can sense a thick, metallic taste liquid began to flow inside his mouth. Few drops of blood drip from the gap of his fingers and make obvious red stains onto his white shirt.

“Oh God, Mark…” Mia hurriedly grabs Mark’s wrist to help him wipe away those blood but Mark coldly shove her away. Mia stares at him in disbelief. This stupid disease certainly took away the Mark she knew. Anger and frustration began to pile up inside of her.

“JUST LET ME HELP YOU! DON’T BE SUCH A STUBBORN BRAT, MARK TUAN. I ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING!” Mia bit her lower lips and clenches a fist. She cried again, but this time, it is the tears of anger and total despair.

“THEN YOU DEFINITELY KNOW THAT I’M ON MY EDGE OF DYING! THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT YOU CAN HELP OR DO! SO JUST BACK OFF AND LET ME DIE ALONE!” Mark started to cry too. His vision becomes blurry and his lips quiver terribly. His own words kill him in the inside.

“I’m dying… I’m dying…” With that, his knees started to wobble and Mark falls to his feet. Mia quickly pulls him into her embrace and hugs him tightly, as if trying to put together all the broken pieces of him back into its place. She rubs her palm on Mark’s back and soothes him. Mark sobs horribly in her arms and Mia kept on crying without having any plan to stop.

They were absolutely in mess. They were a mess.

“I’m dying, Mia. Definitely dying… I just want you to have a happy life and I know I can’t give that to you. Being with me can only hurt you and I don’t want to, Mia. I don’t want to hurt you…” Mix of sobs and blood continuously escape from his mouth. Mia hushes him down and gently pats his head. Mark circles his arms around her waist and their hugs tighten.

“No, you’re not dying. I’m not going to let it happen.” Never…

“I’m scared…”

Mia bit her lower lips. I’m scared too, Mark. God, please help us…

“It’s okay. I’m here. Everything’s going to be okay.”

“Don’t leave me, please…”

“No, I won’t. I’ll help you. We can get through this.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”