Spring 2016
She stops right in front of
the door and stares at it blankly. Heavy sighs escaped her mouth and she
carefully put the keys to the apartment into the lock and turns the knob to
open the door. Her whole body is shaking and her knees started to wobble. She
tries hard to get a good grip of herself and recollect all the strength that is
still left in her. She then walks in.
Mia looks around the room and
every single thing in it makes her feel like crying. His furniture, his soft
blue curtains, his TV and play station, his collection of skateboards—they are
still perfectly in their place, just like the way they were left few months
back. The lingering air inside the apartment also, still smells like him. She
feels like having a breakdown any minute from now.
A picture hung onto the wall
caught her attention. Mia walks and halted right in front of it. A picture with
both of them in it-- they were smiling, brightly to be precise. It was their
first picture together back in the high school days. Mark looks healthy and she
looks deeply in love. They were so young, too good for this cruel world.
Everything was fine back then, perfectly fine.
She can’t hold her tears
anymore.
Mia moves to Mark’s room and
there again, she examines the whole room. She drops herself onto his bed and
took a hoodie that was left sprawled on the bed into her hand. It was Mark’s
most favorite hoodie—the one that she gave to him on his 20th
birthday. She chuckles a bit with tears still pooling her eyes as she remembers
how happy he was when he first received the gift. She snuggles the hoodie for about
30 seconds and felt a slight pang to her heart. Yes, it still smells like Mark…
God, I miss him…
It’s been a week since Mark’s
gone, a week since she felt nothing but pain. Yes, he died, on the last day of
winter. She still remembers every tiny detail that happened on that day. Mark’s
lungs suddenly failed to function, his liver swelled—the doctors said—thus
also, dysfunction. He kept on gasping for air and he coughs blood, lots of
them. In his last moment of his life, Mark gently grabbed her hands and says
those three magic words right before the death angel took his soul away. Despite
of the worst thing that happened, he looked calm on his deathbed and keep on
smiling, still assuring everyone that he’ll be okay. He always says everything’s okay when he knew it is not. He knew it
better than anyone else.
“Mia?”
Mia lifts her head and
Jackson’s figure came into her view. She quickly wipes away the tears and looks
at Jackson as he walks into the room, straight towards her.
“I didn’t know you were
coming.” Jackson casually lands himself next to her.
“Jinyoung told me that you
guys are coming here, to clean up this place so he kinda ask me for a hand. But
he said he’s gonna be late so… here I am, alone.” She chuckles but damn doesn’t
it sound so fake?
“Yes, he did…”
Jackson’s eyes were on her. He
stares at those red swelling eyes and red nose. He looks at the way Mia was
staring blankly at the entire room. He saw Mark’s hoodie on her lap. He saw
sadness in her eyes-- he saw how she was unable to express her feelings and how
she missed him.
It is undoubtedly hard for her
to forget him. Same goes to him. All three of them had known each other since
middle school and they have been best friends since then. If Mia has loss her
lover, Jackson has certainly loss his twin brother.
He also misses him, like
really misses him. Life without Mark certainly feels wrong to him.
“So, how have you been doing
these days?” Jackson asks, just to keep up the good mood and chase away all the
gloominess that started to haunt them.
“Good, I guess… how about
you?”
Jackson smiles a bit. “Me? Oh,
hm…Kinda busy with all the projects and stuffs, you know.”
Mia nods slowly and both of
them went back into silence again.
Jackson breathes out and turns
himself to face Mia. He took a couple of minute, trying to gather some strength
and carefully opens his mouth.
“Look… I have something for
you…” Jackson pulls out an envelope from inside of his jacket and held it out
to Mia. Mia stares at him in confusion yet she still took it from him.
“I’ve been keeping that in
this jacket for quite some times. I didn’t have the chance to give it to you
before this. But luckily you showed up today so yeah for you.”
She still stares at him,
waiting him to continue with his words. She has a feeling that she knew who
gave this but still, she wants Jackson to tell her. Deep down inside, she hopes
that it was him but some part of her are denying.
“It’s from Mark…”
And she was right.
(flashback)
Jackson entered the dim lit room and swiftly
took place next to his best friend. Mark suddenly opened his eyes and looked at
Jackson while smiling weakly. Jackson stares back at him in disbelief. That
surely surprised him.
“I thought you were sleeping.”
“I was but then I heard the door opened and
footsteps in this room. You do know how sensitive I am with sound, right?”
Jackson scratched the back of his head with
guilt that began to rise in him. “I’m sorry.”
Mark laughs. “Don’t be. So, why are you
here? I mean, aren’t you supposed at home right now?”
“Oh, I guess, you could really use a good company
for the night. You do know that I can’t bear seeing you being left alone,
right?” Again, Mark laughs. This is why Jackson is his best friend.
“So, how are feeling right now? Do feel any
pain or stress?” Jackson shot him a concerned look.
“Wow, you sounds just like Jinyoung when he
came to check up on me. Guess his doctor’s side finally rubbed on you.”
“Dude, I’m serious.” He glared at his best
friend and it cracked Mark up.
“Okay, I’m truly sorry. I’m fine. Never felt
okay like this before.”
Jackson knew, Mark’s lying but he also knew
he was being positive. And he too, has to be positive—just like Mark.
“You should quickly come back to class, you
know. Mr. Hong is driving me crazy. He kept on shooting me questions which he
knew I was too genius to answer it back. I can’t survive his class without you.
Please come backkkkk~” Jackson pulled Mark’s right arm and whined.
“I will, Jackson. Just wait for little
while, okay? In the meantime, please don’t do anything stupid during his class
or else he will haunt you with all the demerit points. You certainly can’t
graduate if your student’s points are way below sea level.”
“I won’t graduate without you. We promised
that we will be on stage and receive those stupid scrolls that we’ve literally
been working our butts off just to get it, together.”
Jackson’s sincere words touched him. He
wanted to pull him into a hug but he knew he certainly can’t. He didn’t want to
smear Jackson or his clothes with blood or any disgusting liquid that kept on
oozing from his skin. He himself has no idea why it happened.
“Jackson, can you do me a favor?”
“And what is that my dear friend?”
Mark smiles. He held his hand and pulled the
drawer. He took out a white envelope and gave it to Jackson.
“It’s for Mia. Can you give it to her,
please?”
Jackson stared down at the envelope and took
it from Mark. His chest started to feel a bit tight. Why does it felt so wrong?
“Is this a will or something?” Jackson said
jokingly. His throat felt sandy and it definitely made him feel super
uncomfortable.
“Kinda.” Mark chuckled and continued, “give
to her when I’m… gone. Okay?”
“No.” Jackson protested. Clouds of anger and
frustration began to float above him. “You’re not going anywhere. You promised
her.”
“Jacks… We all know the truth. I’m dying.
She knows. Everyone knows, including you. Maybe not today or tomorrow… or the
day after tomorrow but sooner or later, I will die. You can’t deny that. So
please, do this for me… And…” Mark pulled Jackson’s hand and put a white gold
ring onto his palm. Both of Jackson’s eyes widen and his heart began to shatter
into pieces.
“I was going to propose her…” Tiny drop of
tears fell slowly from the corner of his eyes but still he tried to smile.
Jackson also, cried.
“Take this. Give it to her whenever you’re
ready. There’s no one else in this world that can care for her more than you,
Jacks. She deserves someone, who can always be there whenever she needs him.
She deserves someone who loves her with all his heart. She deserves someone
that can bring herself up whenever she feels down—and that is you, Jackson. I’m
sorry dude, I’m such a jerk… I should have noticed your feelings long time
ago. I know, you love her and I know…”
“Gosh dude, what are you talking about?! Are
you filming some kind of a drama here? God… Stop talking craps!” Jackson stood
up and looked at Mark with mixed feelings. He was mad, frustrated, in despair,
sorrow, miserable, useless—all in one. Mark just stared at him while biting his
lower lips. Everything that he said was true. Jackson loved Mia. His heart
ached as he ranted all those words out of his mouth but yes, he knew.
“Jackson, you can’t fool me and I am
definitely not talking craps.”
Jackson tried to control his anger and sat
back down. He let out a heavy sighs and stared down at the ring that was still
in his grip. He looked back at Mark who was smiling at him with tears still pooling
his eyes. He saw Mark’s pale face. He looked tired and that certainly made him
feel totally helpless. He just stared at him without uttering a single word. He
was lost for words.
“This is my last request, Jacks. Please, do
this… for me…”
“He told me to give this to
you and also…” Jackson carefully pulls Mia’s hand towards him and places the
ring that Mark gave to him. Jackson smiles softly and watches how her
expression turns from grey to a puzzled one.
Sorry, Mark… I can’t keep my promise, not this one. Maybe someday, I
will but not this time around. Things are still in mess and don’t wanna make it
worst.
Mia just stares at Jackson
blankly. She doesn’t know what to say and how to react. The letter was already
enough to suffocate her and now this… the ring…
“He loves you… Forever and
always, Mia…” Jackson holds her hand and again gives her the sweetest smile
that he could offers. Without thinking twice, Mia quickly hugs Jackson and
cries her heart out on Jackson’s broad shoulder. Jackson hushes her and gently
pats her back.
It is true-- he loved her,
ever since their middle school days. She is his first love but it’s quite
useless, trying to catch someone’s attention that was already deeply in love
with someone else. If he loved her long time ago, same goes with her—she also
had loved Mark ever since and coincidently Mark have the same feeling too.
Jackson knew he couldn’t stand a chance so he just shrugged it off, trying to
forget all the feelings he felt. Besides, Mark is his best friend and he
certainly won’t betray him. But unfortunately, his feelings towards Mia were
still, inside his heart—until now.
“Thank you, Jackson… Thank
you…” She speaks in between of her sobs. She pulls Jackson closer and their
hugs tighten. She could really use a shoulder to lean on right now and
Jackson’s seems to be a perfect one for her. Jackson smiles weakly and keeps on
patting her back.
You’re welcome, Mia. I’m here whenever you need me, always…
-----
4th January 2016, 0336 am
Dear Mia,
This is my first time writing you a letter
and yeah it feels awkward hahaha. There are lots of things I wanna say to you
but you know, I’m not that good with words hm… so okay, here it goes.
Remember when we first met?
It was the first day of our first year in
middle school. You were organizing your things in your locker when suddenly all
of your books unexpectedly slide down and drop dead on the floor. Coincidently
I was there, walking through the hallway with Jackson. I still remember your
frustrated face and how you stared at the book annoyingly. First time meeting
you, I already saw your ugly face hahaha (ugly in a beautiful way). Something
urged me back then and I suddenly became your knight in shining armor, helping
you picking up the books an arranging them back. You said thank you while
smiling shyly and that was when I was totally star struck. Damn, I can’t forget
your smile.
As if it was already fated, we were in the
same class along with Jackson. The three of us instantly became best friends
and that marked one of the most precious moments in my life.
So yeah, when I get to know you more, little
by little I started falling in love with you. I love the way you talk and how
your eyes shine when you describe your favorite songs. I love the way you enjoy
your favorite food because you said yourself—food is happiness. I love how you become so mature when it comes
to discuss some serious matters and how you’re like a happy child whenever we
goofed around and do silly stuffs. Oh, sometimes, you’re quite sarcastic (maybe
it is the effect of too much hanging around with Jinyoung and Jaebum) but it’s
okay, I still love you no matter how annoyingly sarcastic you are. Most
importantly, I love how your whole existence had brought so much light and
colors into my life.
You completed me.
I’m deeply sorry for being such a trouble
for you. Sorry for not being a good boyfriend. Sorry, I’m unable to protect
you. I know how hard it is for you to face all this, to worry about me all the
time. I’m sorry for not telling you about this earlier but really I don’t wanna
hurt you. I know, I’ve wronged you in so many ways. Please forgive me. Forgive
me for being such an idiot unreliable pathetic boyfriend. But deep inside my
heart, I just want you to be happy, that’s all…
We promised that we would always be there
for each other but… I’m sorry… I can’t keep my own words… I’m deadly sorry….
But please remember this one thing, even if
we are no longer together, even if death set us apart, my love for you is
immortal. I swore I’ll love you not only until I die, but I will love you
forever—forever and always.
Lastly, thank you for bringing out the best
in me. Thank you for every single thing that you’ve done to me in my entire
life. You saw something in me that anyone else doesn’t and I am thankful for
that. Thank you, for being the best part of my life. Thank you, Mia. Thank you…
With all my heart,
Mark.
Mia folds the letter and put
it back into its envelope. She lies flat on her bed and stares blankly at the
white ceiling right above her. Tears are still falling, her hands are still
trembling but somehow she felt relieved. She was able to read and keep his last
few words and that was more than she could ever want.
Yes, Mark’s no longer here but
he will forever live in her heart.
She will forever be in love
with the most quiet guy in school. She will forever be head over heels for the
boy who is so into skateboarding and collecting hoodies. She will forever
remember his charming eyes and addicting smile. She will forever remember
him—her knight in shining armor, her pizza delivery guy, her late night driver,
her mp3 player, her Disney prince, her dad’s favorite sport buddy, her mom’s
grocery shopping companion. She will forever remember him—her Mark Tuan.
FIN
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